A couple hours ago I chatted with someone that I haven't talked to in a long time. The little that we talked about made me do a little self-evaluation. He asked how I live my life. I replied: "from one exciting event to the next - and then come home feeling down." He said something to the effect that I need to fall in love with myself first before I can truly start to love others. I need to accept myself, believe it, and live it. I realize that this is true. I'm not so sure this whole online world is healthy (for me at least) - it has created far more unrest in my life that I should have. I am up and down, turned around, on the ground. It has made me self-centered - I put up good pictures of myself, I update my status, I describe myself - everything is about me, me, me. I am being defined by an online version of myself. It had made me insecure - I worry far too much about my external appearance and how people perceive me.
Anyhow, after this chat I went up to bed and wrote some stuff down - stuff about myself, who I am and what it means. You might think it sounds conceited, but I wrote it in a way to put things into perspective. That if I am being true to myself and God, it doesn't matter what people think of me. That I don't have to create a false online impression of myself to make people like me. I don't like blogs that turn into diaries, but I still want to post some of the things I jotted down:
who am i? i am irene l. roth
i am intelligent. i have a sense of humour. i have worth.
i lead an interesting and varied life:
- i am a nursing student. this means i focus on important things such as studying and expanding my knowledge.
- i am a daughter. this means i build loving, trusting and enjoyable relationships with my parents and siblings.
- i am a church member. this means i am involved in various church activities: YPS, Willowgrove singing, evangelism flyers
- i am in YPS. this means i live my life as an example for others. i pray for them. i befriend them. i love them. i encourage them.
- i am a friend. this means that i put others ahead of me. this means i am honest and practice tough love.
- i am a child of God. this means that i treat every day as a gift - carpe diem. this means that i find complete satisfaction in God and have joy that can't compare to anything else.
Right now my life lacks purpose - I live for excitement, fun, social events. And I waste all the hours in between. I would like to cultivate a spirit of love, joy, exuberance, confidence, forgiveness, patience, faith.
And you know what I just realized? This whole (very lengthy) blog post has been about me. But that was the point in a way. I don't think I am going to update this blog anymore. There is more to me than my online identity. I am almost 23. Like he said: "imagine all the things you could do as a single adult, wow." I think I am going to start discovering those things right now.
3 comments:
Irene, the thing that I had to learn and it takes awhile, is that it's not about me. I still have to work on that. Self centeredness is a human reflexive action which is essentially the mother sin, pride. I am who I am, sins and all, now I need to go out and do what I am called to do -(in my case wife and mom) It's not so much loving self (b/c I think that can easily leads to pride) it's knowing yourself - accepting it in the sense that you are not continually dissatisfied and coveting other people's traits, lives etc.; and then going out and loving others more than yourself as you fight the sin you see in yourself. A high calling which I know I regularly fail.
LVG
Ya that is true, good points Lora. I guess I didn't mean it so much that you have to love yourself (humanistic) but rather accept yourself for who you are, like you said.
I can relate to your comment.
It seems that with every new stage in life, I look back to the previous one and think,"If I knew then what I know now..." or "If only I could have had some focus then..." Each day we learn new things that prepare us better for the future, and sometimes I think it all has to be trial and error;
I've only just recently come to realize that I kind of did know then what I know now - the only difference is I was being told then by my parents', etc. but had to know better, experience it for myself, and then know it.
I just try to listen better now so that this time won't be wasted as previous time was.
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